Sailor Uniform Showdown
Written by somemadao
Baka and Test is the creation and property of Kenji Inoue.
"We have a student council?" I asked our class rep, Yuuji Sakamoto, but he ignored me.
"Yesterday
afternoon, at the Student Council general meeting, a concerned student
from Class 2-D put forth a motion, which I'll read out loud right now
for you all to hear." Yuuji removed from his jacket pocket a slip of
paper. He read from it, "Please have Aki-cha... I mean, Akihisa
Yoshiii-kun from Class 2-F wear the sailor uniform, and perhaps besides
that, a variety of different girls clothing, instead of the boys
uniform."
"Eh!" I sat up, surprised and alarmed by the motion
Yuuji just read aloud to the class. It had to be Class 2-D's Miki
Tamano's motion.
"All the class representatives voted on it, and it was passed by thirty-five votes, with one abstention."
"You're
joking, right?" I said, trying to sound confident how I knew this was
just a prank. Yeah, Yuuji would enjoy my consternation at this sort of
predicament.
"It is hardly a joke, 'Aki-chan'," replied Yuuji, with an evil glint in his eyes.
Oh, this had to be payback for something I did. Or just as likely, for something Yuuji imagines I did.
"Incidentally, I wasn't the one who abstained from voting. In fact, I seconded the motion," said Yuuji.
I glared at Yuuji, but my expression only delighted him.
"Also, the one who abstained wanted to change their vote, because they'd heard it wrong."
"To a 'no', right?" I asked, hoping for this stranger's sympathy.
"To a 'yes', actually," said Yuuji.
"Damn you, Yuuji!" I shouted, ready to run at my mortal enemy.
"Hold
on a second, Akihisa. Don't forget, as this concerns a single student
rather than the whole student body, Student Council has little authority
whether this motion is enforceable."
I sat, feeling relieved. But Yuuji wasn't finished, yet.
"Therefore, Council asked me to put the vote before Class 2-F."
I lunged at Yuuji, but was brought down by my classmates! Traitors! The whole lot of you!
"Before the meeting adjourned, there was an amendment made to have Hideyoshi Kinoshita follow the same rule."
"Uwe!" That had to be Hideyoshi, as no one in this class besides Mizuki Himeji had a voice that cute.
While
I struggled under a mass of my classmates, I also imagined Hideyoshi in
a skirt. My strength nearly gave out due to blood loss from my nose,
but fortunately, my classmates must've imagined the same as I was able
to overpower them, and push them off me.
"Sakamoto, we can't just force Akihisa to wear the girl's uniform," said Mizuki, her voice stern.
My savior, my angel? She would save me from this crisis.
Mizuki said, "It must be put to a vote, first!"
As
though on cue, I was dogpiled upon, once again. And I knew, this time, I
would not be able to escape the clutches of my miserable classmates.
But still I had to show struggle! I would not dare to give up on my
masculinity!
Yuuji read out the motion, "Does Class 2-F support
the motion of having Akihisa Yoshiii and Hideyoshi Kinoshita wear the
girl's uniform, and girls clothing while at school, rather than the
boy's uniform?"
"Yuuji!" said Mizuki, angrily.
My sweet, beautiful angel...
"It needs to be seconded, first!" she said.
"Ah, right," said Yuuji. "Does anyone second the motion?"
Mizuki raised her arm. "I do."
"No!" I screamed, with blood spurting from my throat.
"Mizuki!" said Hideyoshi.
"Forgive me, Hideyoshi, but I just want to see Akihisa in cute girls clothing."
Yuuji brought forth the motion to a vote.
The answer, from the wastrel, hopeless, and above all else girl-deprived boys of Class 2-F was a thundering, "Yes!"
I
walked down the hallway. Actually, it was closer to a stagger than a
walk. Perhaps, it was really a series of falling forward, looking for a
patch of floor I could collapse on.
"Aki-cha... Yoshii-kun!" said a girl from behind me.
I
knew the voice. She was a strange girl, who liked me... to wear girl
clothes. Her name, Miki Tamano, and she was a student of Class 2-D.
"Ah?" I said.
"I heard the great news! You'll be wearing the sailor uniform!"
"Ah?"
"It's
so wonderful! I can't believe it, but you just have so many admirers
who want to see you as I do!" She grabbed my unresisting hand, and
pulled me into an empty classroom. Inside was Mizuki, who was holding in
her hands a girl uniform.
Aside, in a corner, was standing
Hideyoshi in a different sailor uniform. He was shell shocked, staring
at nothing. Inwardly, I cheered, as this was a dream I have had for as
long as I've known Hideyoshi, but my glee receded. I slowly remembered
it was my turn approaching.
I looked at the uniform, and then at Mizuki, who swallowed, nervously.
I looked at Miki, who was staring at me, wearing a strange smile that was somewhere between pride and admiration.
I looked at the uniform, and then turned away, and tried to start running.
However,
Miki grabbed my shirt, and tore it off, sending buttons flying! I fell
to the floor, and was pinned down. That girl's strength! What was
she...?
"Aki-chan, you'll be the school's idol, for sure!" Miki
said, panting. "You're just so cute that I can't tell if you're really a
guy or a girl, anymore!"
"I'm a guy, for sure!" I cried out,
tears in my eyes. "And... and lemme dress myself, please!" The tears
wouldn't stop flowing. Something was being taken from me, but what it
was, I couldn't understand.
"Yoshii-kun... I mean, Akiko-chan!"
"Not
that name, please!" I shouted. "You got it right the first time. Why'd
you have to change it?" Just how bad did this girl want me to be a girl?
I looked to Mizuki for support! Maybe she'd see reason if she witnessed
firsthand my desperation. "Please, Mizuki?"
"I... I can't..." Mizuki said, turning away.
My hopes rose. Perhaps I could remain a man, now?
"You're just too cute, Akihisa!" she said, tears happily flowing from her eyes.
"I'm the one who wants to cry!"
Miki
grabbed my pants, and tore them off in a single motion. In a different
life, perhaps I would've been happy to have a girl be so forceful with
me, but this was instead a tragedy! Thankfully, I had on a clean pair of
boxers.
"We need to do something about these," said Miki, pinching at the boxers.
No!
My last castle! I would defend it to the death (preferably Yuuji's
death, if at all possible). I grabbed onto them, with every intention of
dying if need be to hold onto them.
"They're so uncute, but then
again, Akiko-chan with boxers under the skirt. People would think it's
so boyish and cute just how hard Akiko-chan wants to be a man!"
"That's cause I am a guy! Stop trying to change my gender!"
"Sporty panties might suit him," said Minami Shimada, from behind me. She was another classmate of mine from Class 2-F.
I
turned to look at her, and upon seeing her, and her seeing me seeing
her, she gave me a thumbs up. "Isn't this exciting?" she asked.
"No!" I said, adamantly. "And no panties could ever suit me." On this issue, I would be firm. I would not give in.
Miki pulled from her bag a set of sporty panties. She proffered them to me, but I pushed them away.
"Aki,"
said Minami. "Take them, and go put them on. Also, I'll be doing
irregular skirt flips on you to see if you're wearing them, from now
on."
Blood started falling from the ceiling.
I looked up,
seeing another of my classmates, Kouta 'Mutsurini' Tsuchiya, clinging to
the ceiling, stealthily like a ninja. Blood was pouring from his nose.
"Oi, Mutsurini. Get down from there, and stop taking perverted pictures of me!" I said, annoyed.
"I haven't taken a single perverted picture," said Mutsurini.
"I said pictures. Plural." I then shouted, "And how could you get a nosebleed over the thought of my skirt getting flipped?"
Mutsurini
again lied, saying, "I didn't get excited at the thought of your skirt
getting flipped." His nose started pouring out even more blood.
"Mutsurini, not on the clothing!" said Minami, glaring at the ninja voyeur, whose dripping was nearing the clothes.
I chose this moment to try escaping. However, someone had grabbed me by the boxers, and I fell over.
"Do
not leave without me, Akihisa!" screamed Hideyoshi, who'd been the one
to knock me over. I looked at my comrade, and saw tears welling in his
eyes. It was so enchanting... But remember! He's a guy! I had to remind
myself of that, again.
I grabbed his hands, and said, looking deep
into my friend's eyes "I'll escape with you, Hideyoshi." I quickly
stood, picked him up, and began to carry him, running from the
classroom.
"Ah! Let me down, Akihisa!" Hideyoshi began to struggle
in my arms. "I am not a girl, and I am not enjoying being carried like a
princess!" Whether he was shouting this at me, or himself, I couldn't
guess.
"Just a little longer," I said, gently. Our captors had
quickly transformed into pursuers, and were a mere half a step behind
me.
"Akihisa, there is a a barricade ahead!" Hideyoshi, shouted, gesturing to a pile of desks blocking off the hallway beyond.
Crap! Someone had guessed I'd try escaping. It could only be... "Yuuji!" I said, growling.
I was tackled from behind, dragged down to my knees, and then someone put a wet cloth over my mouth...
I quickly lost my senses.
"Aki-chan," someone said. This same person was gently poking my face. "If you don't wake up, I'll kiss you..."
It wasn't a warning, but a promise. I knew the only one to try waking me with a kiss as my elder sister, Akira.
I covered my mouth with both hands, and felt something warm and moist press against the back of my hands. Her lips...
"Gewai!" I screamed, through my fingers, in utter fear and disgust.
"Che. He's awake," I heard my sister exclaim.
I opened my eyes, looking right at my sister, whose face was expressing complete disappointment, and was right near my own.
"Rise and shine, Aki-chan," Akira said, happily, the disappointment disappearing in an instant.
I
continued covering my mouth, and discreetly tried to back further away
from Akira. Unfortunately, the bed I was lying on stopped my retreat.
"Your classmates brought you home after you'd fainted in school," said Akira.
My thoughts went over the last few moments of when I was at school. Perhaps it'd all been a dream?
"And they made sure to tell me the wonderful decision your class made regarding your gender," said Akira, happily.
I was sure I was paling. I could feel blood draining from my face. Was it already coagulating?
An
instant later, I could see myself from above, with Akira bending over
me. This made sense though, as my life was over. I then began to ascend
to heaven.
However, Akira's hand shot out, and grabbed my spirit
by its tail, and then she grabbed my ghostly head, and stuffed me back
into my body through my mouth.
"Ugh," I said. I quickly covered my mouth as it felt as though I was going to throw up my soul.
"Aki-chan,
while you might not like this decision, I am fully supportive of it."
Akira stepped back, giving me space to sit up. "Day and night, I've been
fretting some perverted and malicious girl would appear to steal you
away from me, and then force you to commit humiliating and obscene acts
that aren't fit for proper fiction. But now, with this new development, I
can fully rest assured that you're only in danger of a strange boy
picking you up and doing all those things to you."
"And how's that
any better!" I shouted, standing up, getting off my bed. "And the only
pervert I worry about doing something to me is you!"
"Aki-chan,
you should know we're alone together in your bedroom..." Akira stopped
speaking, allowing my imagination to to describe what she was
insinuating. "Anyway, I've replaced your entire wardrobe with girls
clothing, as well as uploaded hundreds of pictures of you sleeping in
your new pajamas."
I looked at what I was wearing. Cute! Is what a
girl's reaction might be! But these, on me! Pink hearts? On yellow
fabric? And what was she saying about uploading my pictures...? To
where?
"Your online journal already has a few thousands followers,
and it's only been a few hours since I set it up! That's about sixteen
new readers a minute, Aki-chan!"
My sister showed me the screen on
her WhyPad. I looked at the website displayed. Indeed, there were
photos of me in my new jammies (in various states of undress). There
were also pictures of me in new school uniform (while unconscious).
Plus, there were archives of me from a previous summer trip to the
beach, as well as from my school's recent festival.
I vomited blood in my mouth, but swallowed it upon seeing something else that needed to be yelled about: "Photo books for sale!"
"Of
course," said Akira, as though it were natural. "I had to negotiate
with your creeper peeper friend for the master copies and photo
negatives for his unauthorized editions of his photo books of you, but
he saw reason, eventually."
Mutsurini...! I cried out, inwardly,
but then again, he voted for me to have to dress as a girl, so it was a
tempered sympathy I felt for him.
"Anyway, you're well on your way
to becoming a top net idol, Aki-chan!" said Akira. "Listen to this
review. 'Akiko-chan might not have the glamor of Hideyoshi Kinoshita,
but to us average guys, Aki-chan is the seemingly more attainable
idol!'"
"No! I don't want to be attainable!"
"And unlike
Hideyoshi, Aki-chan, girls don't feel threatened by you," said Akira.
"You're receiving the most amount of votes for most likely to be best
friend for life, online."
Be... best friend... for life...! My
knees gave out on me, and so I collapsed to the floor. Did that mean no
matter how hard I tried, I could never be more than friends with a girl?
"I won't accept this!" I shouted, pathetically.
Akira took my hands, and placed something in them. Yen. Paper. Some with five zeros.
"Akira?" I looked at her, my eyes asking questions that my mouth seemed unable to do.
"This
is part of your share from the profits from the photo books of you."
Akira closed my hands. "You can keep it. And there's so much more, too."
"With
this much I could..." Images of me sitting in front of giant flat
screen television with a controller in each hand filled my head.
However, each of these images was of me in a dress, each cuter than the
last. "No...!" I couldn't do it, not even for a million yen.
"With the proper guidance, you could even earn tens of millions of yen, Aki-chan!"
Not... not even for ten million yen...!
"Or even hundreds of millions."
Not... even... how much now? Too many zeros.
I once had a dream where I overdosed on video games. It was so wonderful...
But the one I was having right now starred me, wearing a pretty green dress.
"No!"
My
sister quickly put me into a sleeper choke hold. After a second, I
began to tap her on the arm to let her know I'd given in, but she
continued to hold on.
"Shush, sweet Aki-chan. Let Sister take care of everything for you."
My
last thought before darkness overtook me was, 'I'll never give up! I'll
get my manhood back, even if it's the last act in my life.'
Tbc.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Balls of Fire: 2
Balls of Fire
A fanfic by some madao
Gintama is the creation and property of Hideaki Sorachi
Lo, the madao, as it seeks not sustenance, nor subsistence, but instead pursues a greater calling, which is to be found in deep search through both waste and malapropos.
"Oi, are we doing this, again?" said Gintoki, pointedly trying to ignore the opening passage.
"Gin, the author was cheered up by some nice reviews, and decided to try writing the fanfic, again, so please don't say too much, or you might discourage him, again," said Shinpachi.
"What fanfic?" asked Gintoki. "What the hell kind of opening is the author is trying to create? What's with all the wasted wordage? Lo? Who the hells says 'lo'? Seriously, why did he bother using all those seemingly complicated words, when all he's describing is dumpster diving?"
"Gin."
"Maybe he found his fic openings in those garbage bins, and thought how it'd be such a waste to let them go to the landfill?"
"Gin. Maybe you should stop... Last time, the author wept onto his keyboard cause of us, and ruined the → key," said Shinpachi. "I really don't want to witness a grown man weep, again. It's just too... pathetic." Not waiting for Gin to respond, Shin turned to Kagura, who was sitting at the Yoruzuya Gin-chan office coffee table, looking over a number of notes. "Kagura-chan, what do you have there?"
"I have those reviews you were talking about-aru," said Kagura. "I guess the premise of this fic is thank our nice reviewers for their kind words, or something."
"Kagura-chan, you didn't have to add, 'or something'. We're just going to thank our reviewers, and that'll be that, okay?"
Kagura picked up a review, and read it aloud, "I love this. And you." She then sagely said, "He'll totally get the wrong idea from that review-aru. Probably, he'll think she propositioned him, and he'll start being a stalker from now on."
Gin took the review from Kagura, and shook his head, "No, he'll get the wrong idea, but because he's a madao, he'll think the reviewer is actually one of those fake brides from an amanto marriage site, and be suspicious."
"You guys, try not to be rude. It'd be a disaster if we ended up upsetting our readers." Shinpachi hurriedly started gathering up the reviews, hoping to put them away, before his partners read aloud another one.
However, Shinpachi was too slow. Kagura already had a review in her hands, and read it out for all to hear, "HAHA! Lol. Poor Shinpachi. I can imagine the paper tissues in his room though! Great fanfic btw!"
"There's no tissues!" screamed Shinpachi, angrily tearing the review from Kagura's hands. He put it with the others, filing them away in a cabinet, shutting it closed. "You two, are you trying to upset our readers? What would happen if we did that, and ended up getting hounded to the far reaches of the internet cause we made the wrong people angry?"
"So, are we done, yet?" asked Gin. "I'm fairly busy right now, so I'd like it if we could wrap all this up..." He lied down on his couch, as though ready to sleep.
"We're supposed to begin the actual storyline this chapter," said Shinpachi. "We're only 500 or so words into the story, Gin-san."
"Che! Why don't we get to it already, then?"
"Cause of you, Gin-san. You're the main character, and you're here, instead of in your spot," replied Shinpachi.
"I don't really want to work, now," said Gin. "Tell the author I'm sick or something."
"Um, Gin. Technically, the author is omniscient, so he'll know if you're really sick or not."
"But he's also a madao, so he'll accept any excuse. Just tell him anything, okay?" Gin rolled over, his back facing Shinpachi, as though that was the end of the conversation.
Kagura stood up, faced the sky, and shouted, "Hey, writer! Gin-chan can't work today! His anal fissure is acting up-aru! He worked too hard on the toilet this morning, so he's all pooped out!"
Gin was off the couch in an instant, slapping the top of Kagura's head. "Oi! What the hell kind of excuse was that!?"
"It's just that the only place you work hard is on the throne-aru," said Kagura. "This excuse will be the most believable."
"Author, don't listen to her! She was just saying that, cause of youthful exuberance! I'm getting to my position, right now, okay?" Gin's voice was a bit desperate. "Everything's okay, in the end, alright?"
"Gin-san, we just wasted 200 words talking about your rear end. The author wanted to devote half of this chapter toward thanking the readers, and then move into an actual storyline." Shinpachi sighed. "The author's probably in a panic, right now, since we ended up instead messing up our thanks for the kind reviews, and then spent the rest of the chapter apologizing for the first half. At the rate we're going, the author will have to spend the next chapter just apologizing for the first two chapters."
"I can imagine-aru," said Kagura. "Every sentence will be, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."
"But, if I'm in position, and ready to go, everything will be fine, right?" asked Gintoki. "No chapter focused on my rear end?"
"You're really sensitive about any story regarding your ass?" asked Shinpachi.
"Of course! This if F*nfiction dot net ! How many stories are there about me going together with some mayo-chain-smoking moron? Having an anal fissure will just add to all that!"
"I don't even want to imagine how that's even possible," said Shinpachi. "In fact, you're the one who brought it up. I don't even think anyone was thinking about that until you said it."
Gintoki appeared to be in shock, as though he realized the full extent of what Shinpachi said to be true. However, he said, after a moment's thought, "Shin-kun, I don't think you realize how rabid a great many of these writers on this site are! They'll take anything, and twist it to suit their dark twisted fantasies."
"Even if you really don't have an injury to your bottom?" asked Shinpachi.
"Shin-kun, you don't realize the full extent to which these people will go! My, and a wrecked bottom? They'll add... big swords, and no V*seline." Gin shuddered.
"But, it'll all be consensual in their stories, right?"
Gin shook Shinpachi. "That's not the main issue, here!"
Shinpachi shrugged off Gin's hands from his shoulders. "Gin-san, I think it's a bit silly how childish you're acting. I know about these stories, and about ones with me and you, too. And about others with others. I know about them, but... I've accepted it all, cause it's all consensual. There's thousands of types of love for thousands of people. Who are we to interfere?"
Gintoki collapsed to the floor.
"Now, get ready for the next chapter, Gin-san. Me and Kagura-chan have our own positions to get to before everything starts." Shinpachi and Kagura walked out of the office.
Gintoki sat on his knees for a few minutes, and then stood. He looked up to the office ceiling, sighed, and then walked to his desk chair, sitting down. He swivelled to so he could look out of his office window, and then said, "Guess it's time to start."
The end
A fanfic by some madao
Gintama is the creation and property of Hideaki Sorachi
Lo, the madao, as it seeks not sustenance, nor subsistence, but instead pursues a greater calling, which is to be found in deep search through both waste and malapropos.
"Oi, are we doing this, again?" said Gintoki, pointedly trying to ignore the opening passage.
"Gin, the author was cheered up by some nice reviews, and decided to try writing the fanfic, again, so please don't say too much, or you might discourage him, again," said Shinpachi.
"What fanfic?" asked Gintoki. "What the hell kind of opening is the author is trying to create? What's with all the wasted wordage? Lo? Who the hells says 'lo'? Seriously, why did he bother using all those seemingly complicated words, when all he's describing is dumpster diving?"
"Gin."
"Maybe he found his fic openings in those garbage bins, and thought how it'd be such a waste to let them go to the landfill?"
"Gin. Maybe you should stop... Last time, the author wept onto his keyboard cause of us, and ruined the → key," said Shinpachi. "I really don't want to witness a grown man weep, again. It's just too... pathetic." Not waiting for Gin to respond, Shin turned to Kagura, who was sitting at the Yoruzuya Gin-chan office coffee table, looking over a number of notes. "Kagura-chan, what do you have there?"
"I have those reviews you were talking about-aru," said Kagura. "I guess the premise of this fic is thank our nice reviewers for their kind words, or something."
"Kagura-chan, you didn't have to add, 'or something'. We're just going to thank our reviewers, and that'll be that, okay?"
Kagura picked up a review, and read it aloud, "I love this. And you." She then sagely said, "He'll totally get the wrong idea from that review-aru. Probably, he'll think she propositioned him, and he'll start being a stalker from now on."
Gin took the review from Kagura, and shook his head, "No, he'll get the wrong idea, but because he's a madao, he'll think the reviewer is actually one of those fake brides from an amanto marriage site, and be suspicious."
"You guys, try not to be rude. It'd be a disaster if we ended up upsetting our readers." Shinpachi hurriedly started gathering up the reviews, hoping to put them away, before his partners read aloud another one.
However, Shinpachi was too slow. Kagura already had a review in her hands, and read it out for all to hear, "HAHA! Lol. Poor Shinpachi. I can imagine the paper tissues in his room though! Great fanfic btw!"
"There's no tissues!" screamed Shinpachi, angrily tearing the review from Kagura's hands. He put it with the others, filing them away in a cabinet, shutting it closed. "You two, are you trying to upset our readers? What would happen if we did that, and ended up getting hounded to the far reaches of the internet cause we made the wrong people angry?"
"So, are we done, yet?" asked Gin. "I'm fairly busy right now, so I'd like it if we could wrap all this up..." He lied down on his couch, as though ready to sleep.
"We're supposed to begin the actual storyline this chapter," said Shinpachi. "We're only 500 or so words into the story, Gin-san."
"Che! Why don't we get to it already, then?"
"Cause of you, Gin-san. You're the main character, and you're here, instead of in your spot," replied Shinpachi.
"I don't really want to work, now," said Gin. "Tell the author I'm sick or something."
"Um, Gin. Technically, the author is omniscient, so he'll know if you're really sick or not."
"But he's also a madao, so he'll accept any excuse. Just tell him anything, okay?" Gin rolled over, his back facing Shinpachi, as though that was the end of the conversation.
Kagura stood up, faced the sky, and shouted, "Hey, writer! Gin-chan can't work today! His anal fissure is acting up-aru! He worked too hard on the toilet this morning, so he's all pooped out!"
Gin was off the couch in an instant, slapping the top of Kagura's head. "Oi! What the hell kind of excuse was that!?"
"It's just that the only place you work hard is on the throne-aru," said Kagura. "This excuse will be the most believable."
"Author, don't listen to her! She was just saying that, cause of youthful exuberance! I'm getting to my position, right now, okay?" Gin's voice was a bit desperate. "Everything's okay, in the end, alright?"
"Gin-san, we just wasted 200 words talking about your rear end. The author wanted to devote half of this chapter toward thanking the readers, and then move into an actual storyline." Shinpachi sighed. "The author's probably in a panic, right now, since we ended up instead messing up our thanks for the kind reviews, and then spent the rest of the chapter apologizing for the first half. At the rate we're going, the author will have to spend the next chapter just apologizing for the first two chapters."
"I can imagine-aru," said Kagura. "Every sentence will be, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."
"But, if I'm in position, and ready to go, everything will be fine, right?" asked Gintoki. "No chapter focused on my rear end?"
"You're really sensitive about any story regarding your ass?" asked Shinpachi.
"Of course! This if F*nfiction dot net ! How many stories are there about me going together with some mayo-chain-smoking moron? Having an anal fissure will just add to all that!"
"I don't even want to imagine how that's even possible," said Shinpachi. "In fact, you're the one who brought it up. I don't even think anyone was thinking about that until you said it."
Gintoki appeared to be in shock, as though he realized the full extent of what Shinpachi said to be true. However, he said, after a moment's thought, "Shin-kun, I don't think you realize how rabid a great many of these writers on this site are! They'll take anything, and twist it to suit their dark twisted fantasies."
"Even if you really don't have an injury to your bottom?" asked Shinpachi.
"Shin-kun, you don't realize the full extent to which these people will go! My, and a wrecked bottom? They'll add... big swords, and no V*seline." Gin shuddered.
"But, it'll all be consensual in their stories, right?"
Gin shook Shinpachi. "That's not the main issue, here!"
Shinpachi shrugged off Gin's hands from his shoulders. "Gin-san, I think it's a bit silly how childish you're acting. I know about these stories, and about ones with me and you, too. And about others with others. I know about them, but... I've accepted it all, cause it's all consensual. There's thousands of types of love for thousands of people. Who are we to interfere?"
Gintoki collapsed to the floor.
"Now, get ready for the next chapter, Gin-san. Me and Kagura-chan have our own positions to get to before everything starts." Shinpachi and Kagura walked out of the office.
Gintoki sat on his knees for a few minutes, and then stood. He looked up to the office ceiling, sighed, and then walked to his desk chair, sitting down. He swivelled to so he could look out of his office window, and then said, "Guess it's time to start."
The end
Balls of Fire: 1
Balls of Fire
A fanfic by some madao
Gintama is the creation and property of Hideaki Sorachi
It is posited there exists in the universe the manzai horizon. It is a boundary, apparently, that separates the tsukkomi from the boke, but this is really all theoretical. Think not too deeply upon whether this boundary is in existence, for in your contemplation, you place yourself at risk to the danger of a harisen smacking the top of your head.
"Oi, what is this narration?" asked Gintoki Sakata, slightly annoyed, and quite lazily.
"Eh? What narration are you talking about?" asked Shinpachi Shimura, to his boss, Gin.
"The words at the beginning of this fanfiction?" said Gintoki, pointing up.
"Uh, what are you pointing at, exactly?" asked Shinpachi. He then whispered to Gintoki, "You do realize this is written, rather than drawn, so the reader can't actually see you point?"
"Stuff that. If the writer has any talent, then the reader can see me pointing," replied Gintoki. "It's all about description. For instance, right now, the reader can see me picking my nose, and flicking my booger at your face, Shinpachi."
Shinpachi took out his handkerchief, and wiped his face clean of nose nugget, and then placed his handkerchief back into his pocket. He then proceeded to lunge at Gintoki, his hands apart just the width of a man's neck. However, his hands could not reach Gintoki's neck, as the older man had countered Shinpachi's attack by grabbing the boy, and holding him in a headlock.
"The reader can see so much if the writer has any talent at description. If not, then the reader has to be told what the hell is happening." Gintoki released Shinpachi from his hold, after the boy stopped struggling. He then asked, "Anyway, tell me what the hell is up with that damn opening!"
"Uh, it's... um. I don't know, but I'm sure the author has some reason for having written it."
"My guess is, he wrote it cause he couldn't think of a decent opening for a decent story. It was something he pulled from his ass, cause he thought it sounded respectable."
"And you could do better?" asked Shinpachi.
"Easily." Gintoki pointed to the reader, and said, "Let's begin, again!"
Call me Gintoki. Some years ago – never mind how long precisely -
"Oi!" Shinpachi shouted. "That's plagiarism!"
"It isn't plagiarism, Pachi! It's the epic tale of how Captain Turtle and I hunted a space sperm whale..."
"That's totally plagiarism! There's not even an original idea in that description!"
"Maybe you're too academic for fanfiction, Pachi. Perhaps I should bring in an expert. Oi! Kagura. It's time for your entrance into the fanfiction."
"Enough. We can never rebuild the fourth wall."
"Ossu! Kagura entered-aru, but from where, and how so, is not known. She could've been standing nearby, or more than likely sitting on the couch watching TV, but it is more exciting to think that she came from a different dimension."
"You don't have to write your own entrance, Kagura-chan. That's the author's job..."
"No! I can't leave it up to him! He's just some madao! Probably he'll put us all in embarrassing situations that we'd really never ever do-aru! Said Kagura-chan as she did an amazing pose, with a serious expression on her face."
"You're just sitting on the couch, watching TV, Kagura. Don't try to deceive the reader," said Shinpachi. "Besides, what sort of situations would the author place us in that you'd object to? Considering that so many of us have been shown on the toilet, throwing up, naked, beaten, arrested, transformed, and humiliated, I can't think of anything you could be worried about."
"I'd hate to be written as a sl*t, falling in love with any old sadist that comes along. Said Kagura, as she chews on sukonbu, her eyes glazed over from that condition called TV eyes-aru."
"You've gone from trying to deceive the reader to being too honest, probably," said Shinpachi. "Anyway, you don't have to worry, the author of this fanfic is a guy, so I don't think you have to worry about pairings."
"He could try to write us into a crossover, though. Said Kagura-sama. Wouldn't you hate to be a pony? Or a G*nd*m?"
"We've already been crossed over with G*nd*m."
"Wouldn't you hate to be crossed over with The L*rd of the Fl**s? Asked Kagura, annoyed, as she she couldn't find a decent show to watch, flipping through the channels, one after another-aru. I bet you'd make a great P*gg**, Pachie!"
"No, Kagura-chan, Shinpachi would already have a role in the crossover. He'd be P*gg**s glasses," said Gintoki, who sat beside Kagura, and snatched away the remote.
"No way! P*gg**s glasses are important in the story! Shinpachi doesn't get any important roles in the crossover. He can be a Þ, instead!"
"Why the hell would I wanna be an obsolete letter? I'd never appear in the story that way! And why are we talking about some crossover that isn't even being written?"
"Þ might be too important, too Kagura-chan. Use the small case þ instead, cause it'd have even less impact."
"Oi, you two are trying to write me out of a fanfiction that doesn't even exist. It's pissing me off."
"Give me an example-aru. Said Kagura to the wavy haired, and brain waves, man."
"For example, let's begin the story. 'Þe story of þe man who saved þe world."
"I can't even tell the difference, anyway. Said Kagura. Why's the smaller case þ bigger than the upper case Þ?"
"I don't know. Maybe it's what they call 'over-compensation'?" asked Gintoki. "And look, it's time for the weather report. Time to end this fanfic."
"Don't try to end this fanfic for your own convenience, Gin-san," said Shinpachi, sternly.
The End
"Oi! Even the author wants to end the story?" shouted Shinpachi, annoyed.
"It's probably not a case of wanting to end it, it's just that he probably can't think of what to write next." Gintoki yawned, and then kicked Kagura off his couch so he could lie down to watch TV.
"The original notes said this was supposed to be an epic-aru. But then Gin-chan derailed it with his question up above. Said Kagura, as she pointed to the second paragraph of the fanfiction."
"I already said to stop pointing in this fanfic. Is the reader really able to see you pointing to specific sections of text?"
"The reader can see so much, it's embarrassing. I bet the reader can even see images in their mind when I say, 'Shinpachi's room is littered with rolled up used tissues from late night personal sessions. For what are the tissues?'"
"Now you're just pissing me off! Quit suggesting lewdness to the reader. The author was trying to keep the fic at General readership level, but now, we might have to become Teen, or even Mature!"
"The author can just improvise," said Gintoki.
"How so? What's written, and has been published is forever. Especially on the internet."
"The author can improvise, like this!"
The end
"Oi! Huh? Really? That's seriously it?"
"Give it a rest, Pachi. You won't become a man this fic. You'll have to make do with naughty magazines and your hand for now," said Gintoki.
"Shut it! And author, seriously! End this fic, now!"
The end
A fanfic by some madao
Gintama is the creation and property of Hideaki Sorachi
It is posited there exists in the universe the manzai horizon. It is a boundary, apparently, that separates the tsukkomi from the boke, but this is really all theoretical. Think not too deeply upon whether this boundary is in existence, for in your contemplation, you place yourself at risk to the danger of a harisen smacking the top of your head.
"Oi, what is this narration?" asked Gintoki Sakata, slightly annoyed, and quite lazily.
"Eh? What narration are you talking about?" asked Shinpachi Shimura, to his boss, Gin.
"The words at the beginning of this fanfiction?" said Gintoki, pointing up.
"Uh, what are you pointing at, exactly?" asked Shinpachi. He then whispered to Gintoki, "You do realize this is written, rather than drawn, so the reader can't actually see you point?"
"Stuff that. If the writer has any talent, then the reader can see me pointing," replied Gintoki. "It's all about description. For instance, right now, the reader can see me picking my nose, and flicking my booger at your face, Shinpachi."
Shinpachi took out his handkerchief, and wiped his face clean of nose nugget, and then placed his handkerchief back into his pocket. He then proceeded to lunge at Gintoki, his hands apart just the width of a man's neck. However, his hands could not reach Gintoki's neck, as the older man had countered Shinpachi's attack by grabbing the boy, and holding him in a headlock.
"The reader can see so much if the writer has any talent at description. If not, then the reader has to be told what the hell is happening." Gintoki released Shinpachi from his hold, after the boy stopped struggling. He then asked, "Anyway, tell me what the hell is up with that damn opening!"
"Uh, it's... um. I don't know, but I'm sure the author has some reason for having written it."
"My guess is, he wrote it cause he couldn't think of a decent opening for a decent story. It was something he pulled from his ass, cause he thought it sounded respectable."
"And you could do better?" asked Shinpachi.
"Easily." Gintoki pointed to the reader, and said, "Let's begin, again!"
Call me Gintoki. Some years ago – never mind how long precisely -
"Oi!" Shinpachi shouted. "That's plagiarism!"
"It isn't plagiarism, Pachi! It's the epic tale of how Captain Turtle and I hunted a space sperm whale..."
"That's totally plagiarism! There's not even an original idea in that description!"
"Maybe you're too academic for fanfiction, Pachi. Perhaps I should bring in an expert. Oi! Kagura. It's time for your entrance into the fanfiction."
"Enough. We can never rebuild the fourth wall."
"Ossu! Kagura entered-aru, but from where, and how so, is not known. She could've been standing nearby, or more than likely sitting on the couch watching TV, but it is more exciting to think that she came from a different dimension."
"You don't have to write your own entrance, Kagura-chan. That's the author's job..."
"No! I can't leave it up to him! He's just some madao! Probably he'll put us all in embarrassing situations that we'd really never ever do-aru! Said Kagura-chan as she did an amazing pose, with a serious expression on her face."
"You're just sitting on the couch, watching TV, Kagura. Don't try to deceive the reader," said Shinpachi. "Besides, what sort of situations would the author place us in that you'd object to? Considering that so many of us have been shown on the toilet, throwing up, naked, beaten, arrested, transformed, and humiliated, I can't think of anything you could be worried about."
"I'd hate to be written as a sl*t, falling in love with any old sadist that comes along. Said Kagura, as she chews on sukonbu, her eyes glazed over from that condition called TV eyes-aru."
"You've gone from trying to deceive the reader to being too honest, probably," said Shinpachi. "Anyway, you don't have to worry, the author of this fanfic is a guy, so I don't think you have to worry about pairings."
"He could try to write us into a crossover, though. Said Kagura-sama. Wouldn't you hate to be a pony? Or a G*nd*m?"
"We've already been crossed over with G*nd*m."
"Wouldn't you hate to be crossed over with The L*rd of the Fl**s? Asked Kagura, annoyed, as she she couldn't find a decent show to watch, flipping through the channels, one after another-aru. I bet you'd make a great P*gg**, Pachie!"
"No, Kagura-chan, Shinpachi would already have a role in the crossover. He'd be P*gg**s glasses," said Gintoki, who sat beside Kagura, and snatched away the remote.
"No way! P*gg**s glasses are important in the story! Shinpachi doesn't get any important roles in the crossover. He can be a Þ, instead!"
"Why the hell would I wanna be an obsolete letter? I'd never appear in the story that way! And why are we talking about some crossover that isn't even being written?"
"Þ might be too important, too Kagura-chan. Use the small case þ instead, cause it'd have even less impact."
"Oi, you two are trying to write me out of a fanfiction that doesn't even exist. It's pissing me off."
"Give me an example-aru. Said Kagura to the wavy haired, and brain waves, man."
"For example, let's begin the story. 'Þe story of þe man who saved þe world."
"I can't even tell the difference, anyway. Said Kagura. Why's the smaller case þ bigger than the upper case Þ?"
"I don't know. Maybe it's what they call 'over-compensation'?" asked Gintoki. "And look, it's time for the weather report. Time to end this fanfic."
"Don't try to end this fanfic for your own convenience, Gin-san," said Shinpachi, sternly.
The End
"Oi! Even the author wants to end the story?" shouted Shinpachi, annoyed.
"It's probably not a case of wanting to end it, it's just that he probably can't think of what to write next." Gintoki yawned, and then kicked Kagura off his couch so he could lie down to watch TV.
"The original notes said this was supposed to be an epic-aru. But then Gin-chan derailed it with his question up above. Said Kagura, as she pointed to the second paragraph of the fanfiction."
"I already said to stop pointing in this fanfic. Is the reader really able to see you pointing to specific sections of text?"
"The reader can see so much, it's embarrassing. I bet the reader can even see images in their mind when I say, 'Shinpachi's room is littered with rolled up used tissues from late night personal sessions. For what are the tissues?'"
"Now you're just pissing me off! Quit suggesting lewdness to the reader. The author was trying to keep the fic at General readership level, but now, we might have to become Teen, or even Mature!"
"The author can just improvise," said Gintoki.
"How so? What's written, and has been published is forever. Especially on the internet."
"The author can improvise, like this!"
The end
"Oi! Huh? Really? That's seriously it?"
"Give it a rest, Pachi. You won't become a man this fic. You'll have to make do with naughty magazines and your hand for now," said Gintoki.
"Shut it! And author, seriously! End this fic, now!"
The end
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